Identities abound…and are forever in flux.

Often the relinquishing of a specific identity or title speaks to an
individuals shifting relationship to the constructs that he or she
has attached to that identity. Thus, in my choice to no longer
identify as an Activist, I am choosing to broaden my self beyond the
constructs I have associated with this title, which will be illustrated
in this writing.
  I would also like to name that My Choice to move beyond this title does not reflect the common psychological response that humans embody when faced with personality aspects they deem undesirable; i.e. a fervent “othering”, (which often, by level of intensity and resistance, reflect just how much the individual unconsciously harbors that which they attempt to rebuke) but instead stems from an embrasure of these aspects within me and a desire to transform my relationship to them so that I no longer water those seeds of expression within me to the same extreme.
Also: Identities are arbitrary. I have no interest in debating the term “activist” and its definition. I am instead interested in expressing my own attachments
and my connection to those ideological attachments at this time.

So. the title “activist”, for me, has become too
intricately connected to an isolationist, egotistical, privileged ethic that I no longer endorse. I am tired of “fighting against” this  or that or “trying to end this or that.” I am no longer interested in focusing my energies on what must be dismantled. I am choosing instead to invest my energies on what I feel must be created.

I have been so angry with the left for such a long time. I have been
so angry with myself for such a long time. I have watched us saddle up
into “war” with other ideological factions under the assumption that we are there to actually facilitate “change” when in actuality we are only there to proselytize our realities and assert the perceived supremacy of our ideological perspectives.

Like true children of the academy, myself and many other academic
activists have chosen time and time again to define reality for all
people; completely disregarding the subjective nature of existence in favor of our own ideological interpretations.

We have repeatedly chosen to either complain or hold communities or organizations accountable to ideas and concepts that are largely only available to us because of our privilege. What does it mean that I critique and demean a poor working class community on it gender politics, when that community may have had limited or no access to the deconstructive perception of reality? What does it mean when I am
so enraged at a culture for their politics and never consider if
this community had the opportunity to embrace alternative ideas? What are the situations and circumstances of their own realities? What is my role as an agent of change? To speak to a community in a way thatthey can hear or in a way that I can “read”, “snap”, or “go off?”

A way that inevitably shuts them down, prepares them to retaliate and
rebut, instead of listen?

This “adolescent anger” that the left often possess, which is all too often poorly channeled and violently orchestrated, is just one example of how, day by day, we on the left “build up the masters house”. We justify our violence by saying “we are open to all tactics.”

Well if we are open to all tactics, I want to invite you to be open to this: you will not create your “ism free” utopia by channeling the same destructive energies that those whom you proclaim to “preach to”
possess.

You will also facilitate little change until you can see that the right, with all of their own challenges, in an authentic inalienable way is only a reflection of yourself that you have rejected.

Until you are able to hold the mirror to these supposed “others” and
see the scantily clad glass of the self; then any movement for social
change will only be what the non-profit complex has already made most of them:  self-righteous sects of ideological snobs and egotistical demagogues deluded into believing they are initiating change when in actuality they are only invoking isolation.

It is not to suggest that we should not be “separatists for health.” We must be able to collect and connect with each other in order to mend our wounds and strengthen our spirits. But in the long run, monastery activism benefits few outside of the monastery; if I live in my select “clique” at my select elite “conferences” preaching to the same select few, who is this activism for? Us and our egos? And while there is a great benefit if it is just for “us” the question we have to ask is “is our activism broadening our potential for social transformation or simply making our communities smaller and more ideologically localized?”

We must learn to speak to those who do not just believe what we
believe. And we must ask ourselves, when we get upset that someone
does not subscribe to our opinion, and then react aggressively and shut them out, what behavior are we modeling? That of “liberation” orthat of the “the people we purport to preach to?”

We cannot build coalitions with ego. And sharing our perspective is very
different from forcing it on someone. The latter is exhausting. The initial can be empowering.

Unfortunately, a large part of the left (self included) have been so
mortally wounded by the religious “extremism” of the right that we have ascended into the intellect with little or no awareness into how our work is directly linked to our wounds. Thus, like true children of the academy and the white fathers, we have disregarded emotional introspection, spiritual insight, and much of the erotic in favor of the “scientific mind.”

I have done this more times than I care to remember. I have been the
“ideological police man” terrorizing communities, and people of

various social locations about their beliefs. I have my own trail of
blood and tears to be accountable for; I am sure you do as well…

It is my belief that movements for social change must learn how to movebeyond ego and extend into compassion in order to share, educate, and instruct. While I believe in resistance and self-defense, I do

not endorse  initiatory violence. I believe that what you create you must first become and If we are truly committed to creating compassion, healing and love, then let’s commit. Not just when our reactivity is not set off and it feels good.

And so this is why I am not an activist anymore. And I understand that this identity, fleeting as all identities are, is only being abandoned by me because I am choosing not to re-envision it. If I so choose, I could redefine what activism means to me and encompass my vision. But
in this instance I am choosing to abandon the term all together.

I am instead interested in healing work that stems from the heart.

This is the path I am choosing. To speak with those who would
otherwise be considered reprehensible by the left. To build bridges beyond my own pain.To learn to practice compassion and empathy, and learn self control so that no matter what pain and rage is being thrown at me; I still assert internally my ability to make a choice about how i respond; and that this choice be intricately connected to an ideology that understands countering pain with pain creates more of the same. If I want to create something else; well then I have to be something else.

And I understand there will be mistakes on this path. That there will be times I will To step back into ego and reactivity at times is to be expected and is apart of the path. Ultimately I would like a different ideological vision to guide my
work, one which does not only just see the world and oppression as
interconnected, but sees myself as also interconnected with those who have the power to make far reaching choices that have led to the destruction of the earth and its people. It is my belief that, until I am able to accept that this same potential for violence exists within me, I will be destined (in whatever subtle or self righteous form) to repeat it. And I have no desire to replicate this reality.

The change continues. In the universe and within ourselves. This is
the current change within me. And I reserve the right to transform
into whatever  entity I desire and to rewrite my legacy and reframe my
perspective as I wish. I also choose to be accountable to those shifts, even as I will not be imprisoned by other people’s judgments or caught in the quarry of intellectual masturbation that the left loves so much…

Much peace to you.

May you find your own path and write your own reality. Be it near my
own or not, I believe your voice has a role in this great
historic awakening.

In love and as your mirror,

Yolo