(This blog was originally posted on Envision-This! My old blog, a year ago, But it’s SO good that I just had to bring it back! enjoy!!) 

So today I wanted to write a blog about love. I wanted to write about that word that singer/songwriter Musiq Soulchild said is so often “used in vain”.
See it’s about that time for Valentines day and on Valentines day alot of things happen; not all of it great. Some will be taken advantage of and manipulated because of the way that the word “love” is used in vain. Some will be put down or humiliated because they do not appear to have “love” in the form of a romantic partner. Some will neglect the multitudes of ways that “love” is already present in their life through friends and family. 

So in reflection of all these things; I chose to take some quotes from some of my favorite people about love and share my understandings of them and love. And mind you, when i am speaking of love, I am not speaking just of romantic love, but love in all forms, between all types of friendships. Because I believe all of these are valuable relationships where we have much to learn and receive much in the form of what we know as love. I hope you enjoy. 

“Who says love last forever? Love is when it is”-Zora Neal Hurston

Love between two individuals or more, like life itself, will not remain fixed to a specific state. It will flow and shift, deepen and dangle, transform and tingle but it will not remain stagnant. I believe we get into trouble when we try to block love from flowing through it’s own natural ebb and tides. In other words, we try to make “it” last forever. “It” being the specific experience we are having or have had at one time; instead of letting the energy of love take its natural course.
Love will not be today what it was yesterday, and will not be tomorrow what is today. Our love relationships, romantic and non-romantic; are divine opportunities for us to grow, learn and be present; they come for a “season” a “reason” and a “lesson”. Sometimes that season is long. And sometimes that season is short. And sometimes when that lesson is over, that person will leave, and that relationship will end. While In the midst of our mourning over the passing of these relationships, we could also take the time to celebrate the lessons that were learned and the love that was shared. Instead of doing this though, we are often cursing ourselves for not being able to “make it last forever”-and begin our inadequacy ritual; invoking the narratives of self hate and sadness in our minds/bodies and spirits. 

But Longevity in relationships is not in of itself a sign of happiness, love or spiritual wealth. Some people are in relationships just because they are afraid to be alone. Some people are in relationships because they have just become apathetic.
Some people are in relationships because they feel their sense of self worth would be absent without it. There are several different reasons people stay; and when those choices come from a place of fear, control, or of inadequacy; I believe those persons are blocking their opportunities for growth and transformation, and ultimately more love. It is important for us to acknowledge that just because a couple has been together for five or more years, does not mean that this couple is happy; or that this couple has achieved some state of bliss which “single” folks are exempt from. ( Expect a blog about the concept of “single” soon) Someone who has had many short relationships could be just as fulfilled as someone who has stayed in a long term loving relationship if they are able to embrace the beauty and wonder in each of them. 

Sometimes love means letting go. Sometimes it means removing people from your space and your heart for your and their own growth. When you have to do this some people will get angry. And it will be hard for you. But sometimes for love this is the best thing we can do for ourselves and each “other.

We must also recognize that we are always in relationship with ourselves. And the relationship we have with us is often the most neglected. When was the last time you said loving things to yourself? When was the last time you took care of yourself, showed love to yourself?
 

“Love is not just an emotion, it is an energy which comes through or to you, an energy which can act as a transforming agent for yourself and for others. - liz greene

I believe this with all my heart. See, I dont think someone can “make” you love them. I believe people can only awaken a place within you that is love. This place, which I believe exists within all of us, can be awakened by different actions, statements and behaviors. And those actions, statement and behaviors are different for each of us. In Astrology, we look to see what will “awaken love” in a person by looking at the placement of the planet Venus in their birth chart. By looking at this placement you can get a clear picture of what characteristics the person finds desirable, attractive and loving. Even if you never have a chart done, find the time to write down what you find desirable and awakens love within you. Ive done it before and it is quite a powerful exercise. 

Also,you do not need another person to awaken this feeling of love within you. You can awaken love within yourself by creating a life that coincides with your desires; thus becoming in love with life itself- and doing this I believe, creates an impetus for more people who awaken love within you to enter your life.

It also “acts as a transforming agent”. When you love yourself and radically embrace yourself in all of your complexities, it helps others do the same. It helps others look on to your example of self love and see that they too can follow their passions, love their perceived “flaws” and love themselves enough to create a reality they desire. 



“We love because it’s the only true adventure”-Nikki Giovanni

Love is an adventure! It’s a journey into ourselves and each other. And like all adventures, it can be scary sometimes. There are risks that have to be taken and trust that has to be given. Sometimes, on this adventure you can get sidetracked; or hurt. And even when these things happen, they are jewels of opportunity. They are opportunities to learn, grow and self reflect. To ask ourselves, what can i learn from this? What can i take from this experience to enlighten and enrich my future relationships and others? Many of us have been so hurt by love, or what we perceive as the lack of it; that we have given up on the adventure of love. We have convinced ourselves we are not worthy because of (fill in the blank). I believe its up to us to find the courage to love ourselves enough to see that love is already in us. And that it is not love itself that hurts us, but the wounds, expectations, ideologies that we have placed on love that create so much pain.

“If our love is only a will to possess, it is not love.”-Thich Nhat Hahn

Love is not possession. However in a capitalistic society, where almost everything is up to be owned or bought-partners become property. She becomes “my wife”, losing her own name and identity. He becomes “my boyfriend.” When in love, we may come to agreements about how we enact or embrace it; however i think we need to find ways to love that are not centric on possession and ownership, which ultimately stifle and drain the spirit and are founded on fear. 

“If we learn to open our hearts, anyone, including the people who drive us crazy, can be our teacher. -“Pema Chodron
Love will awaken crazy within you! It will awaken fears, pain, hurt, memories connected to old wounds. When they come up sometimes we go off! But we don’t have to. If we learn to study ourselves compassionately, when crazy comes up we can embrace it and not let it control us. In fact i believe that it is not about finding someone who is not “crazy” but instead finding someone who’s crazy is compatible with your crazy. And everyone who awakens crazy in us is our teacher. Their is always something that the “crazy” being awakened within you has to teach you. 

“Love is you”-Chrisette Michelle

I believe love is god. And that god is you. And that God/goddess, by animating you with the gift of life, You have already been given the greatest love of all. Now the question is what you choose to do with it.
So this Valentines day, I want to invite you to be love. To not seek it, but to be it; in action, word and embodiment. I want to invite you to recognize that regardless of whether you are partnered or not; within you is all the love you will ever need, if only you take the time to go in and find it. At the end of the day, no matter what anyone says; Love is you.:-)

Happy Valentines Day!

“You think you know all of Yolo, but you Don’t/ One side of him is far too mean/ the  watered  down one/ the one you know/was made up CENTURIES ago/they made him sound all whack  and corny/yes he’s blasted/AWFUL boring/ twisted fiction/ w strict omissions/ wanna meet the other one children?/ THEN ZIP IT./ LISTEN.”

  Yesterday, I sat and reflected on National Black HIV & AIDS awareness day.  I reflected on all the work being done in the black community and in the black gay community specifically. My first feeling was gratefulness. There are so many amazing individuals on the front lines, working hard every day to educate and empower our community to finally deal head on with this pandemic. I have had the honor of working with many of these talented individuals  and I am so grateful to see their work carry on.The next feeling that arose within me was anger. No scratch that. Rage. Though I know that the intention of the work is well meaning, there is more f*ckery and foolishness going on in the world of Black gay HIV & AIDS work than most outside of the field can even fathom. Mind you, f*ckery and foolishness is not unique to black gay HIV & AIDS organizations, the white gay orgs and everyone else does it too, but we do have our own special store bought brand that I would like to take some time to discuss here.

 

You see, It is this f*ckery and foolishness that I would argue contributes largely to many community based organizations inability to effectively heal, empower and educate our communities. It is a phenomenon that science cannot effectively measure, one rooted in the emotional scars and psychic trauma that many black gay men carry into this work and continue to inflict on the populations they serve.The assumption for so long has been, to serve a community best, those who are a part of that community should do it. In other words, to help black gay folks, black gay folks should be doing the community work to a great extent. However, much of HIV & AIDS prevention relies on the disruption of norms around sexuality and silence etc, norms that the individuals who are  a part of said communities embody and enact as members of that population.

The little training  that is provided by most orgs. does not offer black gay men tools with which to become self aware and develop consciousness around the fact that they too must deal with their own issues. Many of the trainings assume that the intellectual absorption of ideas and theories immediately translates into facilitators and educators’ embodiment and understanding of how not to perpetuate unhealthy norms.  This is just simply not the case.

Far too often I have experienced the horror of sitting in spaces and working with organizations where managers, CEO’s  and supervisors have said some of the most troubling and destructive things to clients that have been directly linked to their own trauma and the agencies failure to train individuals to note their own issues.  What do you make of a manager of a community center telling the kids they might go to hell if they are HIV positive and don’t use condoms? What do you make of a group education session where the facilitator tells the participants that “y’all just wish you were tops, but I know y’all are bottoms?”  How do you measure the various subtle but harmful emotional abuses that group facilitators, unchecked and poorly supervised, inflict amongst the group?  How do we explain the fact the many of the leaders in the black gay community doing HIV & AIDS work have become tyrannical, destructive, dramatic and abusive entities and yet are consistently allowed to stay in power? How do we effectively barrage the endless mileu of economic embezzlements, sexual indiscretion, and abuse?

 

As far as I’m concerned, the first thing we need to do is bring these realities to light. For far too long the black gay HIV & AIDS community has functioned with a “dirty laundry” mentality, ignoring the countless abuses organizations are making with no or little public statement about it in order to save political face or make sure they can cash the next CDC government check when it comes.

 

So what do we do?

I have some ideas.

 Get the Dictators OUT:  Many of the black gay men, like Mubarak in Egypt, have been in power for too damn long. Brilliant even as they are abusive, these men have used their organizations as sites where they can exert control in their lives in order to avoid the looming despair and distress of their emotional state. Many of them have had to live through the horror of the early days of HIV & AIDS, when they lost dozens of friends, and lived with a fear that is incomparable to what an HIV positive result is today. Many have not even begun to deal with how that trauma has impacted them and it has shown up in the catty abusive dynamics between and within organizations. We simply can no longer afford to let this continue. We must demand that these leaders (and you know who they are, they are all over the country) develop a succession plan and issue public apologies for the ridiculous and innane things they have done. If they can do nothing less than this, than they should be removed by the communities they serve. Immediately.

 

Develop Self Awareness Trainings: If we are to effectively save ourselves as black gay men, then we need to start looking within in order to change our realities without. We need mandatory trainings that give the staff of HIV & AIDS organizations critical self awareness of their own psycho-social histories and issues as well as tools to help them check themselves (and each other) in loving and accountable ways. We need intentional dialogue trainings and models of power in our organizations that are not based on the dysfunctional, abusive corporate model. We need “open door policy” ( meaning that our doors are open to criticism and dialogue) to not really mean that I will kick you out if you don’t f*ck me.We have to confront head on our stuff and go to work not just in our heads but in our hearts. We cannot afford to continue the black family dynamic of gossip, side talk, and eye cutting when it comes to our lives. We need change now. Our lives depend on it.

Check yourself: All the egotistical behavior and one-upmanship is just an attempt to mask the fact that we all are hurting, insecure, struggling to survive, and love each other in this place and time. Let’s get real and be honest about it instead of looking for the next place to prove how tough we are. We are each other. If you are a mess, than that means I’m a mess too. Let’s hold each other accountable without the competition.

 To close, let me drop this for the white gays who may be ready to run with “look at how messed up the black gays are.” The fact that the rates of infection are so high in the black community are not just about our own challenges, but the social privilege you receive by virtue of being white and the historic legacy of your culture that has participated in the intentional devastation and destruction of our communities. Reality is, the white gay community is often so racist and elitist that they are more concerned with their property values and their dogs than the lives of black gay men (unless they are adopting black children to help assuage their white liberal guilt or to fulfill some psychic cultural longing for a return to having direct ownership of black bodies). Mind you this is not always the case for all white gay folks, but it is for many more than we would like to imagine.If you find yourself reacting, chances are it might be you. Either way, check yourself.

To the black heterosexual community, who may also go to finger pointing, the same goes for you. If you weren’t so busy projecting all of your sexual trauma on us,  kicking us out and ostracizing your own queer and gay children in true “Christian” and Christ(NOT)like fashion and just being in general denial about everything that doesn’t fit into your “partridge family in black face” lie, then we would not be here in the first place. The fact that you are not dealing with this and the many other big pink elephants masturbating with a two sided dildo in the room at this point in our history is just ridiculous and inexcusable. So check yourself. We all got issues. We’ve all contributed to the mess. Let’s get real with each other and get to changing.

 In the spirit of anger and transformation,
Yolo

http://www.YoloAkili.com

Yolo Akili is an author, Yoga Teacher, Performance Artist and Public Speaker. He  can be reached via his website YoloAkili.com and by email at Yolo@yoloakili.com

***SPOLIER ALERT***Don’t read if you have not seen it; unless you just want to; which is fine too. :-)

In the film Natalie Portman’s character, Nina,  who is the epitome of the fictive character “white swan” that she must play in a ballet ( kind, meek, concerned with being perfect and being liked) endures a series of psychic delusions where she envisions the “black swan” ( another part of her role that she has been assigned, but has not been able to embody) enacting and moving through her actual life. The black swan role that Nina must play represents an erotic; wild, sexual power that Nina does not see as herself and also has a level of disdain for. However, Nina’s psychological projection begins to take a life of it’s own, inevitably being projected upon Mila Kuni’s character “Lily”.

1st Lesson: It  is common with humans that the qualities and characteristics we choose to either deny or dismiss in ourselves we project onto others. The “other” then becomes our black swan, those who we “hate” or do not like or distance ourselves from. We cannot “perform” them or be “them” because they are so horrible or unlike us. However in actuality; they are us; and we desire to harbor those traits unconsciously. The othering is a safety mechanism for the ego; cause that way all of our consciously undesirable traits are far away from our fragile ego-centric view of ourselves. We can therefore still be “righteous” “good” or “politically correct” if we ourselves are not in possession of those traits that the “other/black swan” has.

EXAMPLE: In various trauma dynamics; such as parent/child we can see this clearly too. The child hates characteristics that the parent possess; more than likely those that have wounded him/her/them.Those qualities “become” the parent, and the child names themselves as not possessing those traits; in stark rejection.  But Aha! The child’s healing does not come through dismissal or denial of owning those traits; but in recognizing that they do posses them; and often invariably have already been enacting them in a myriad of ways through various relational structures, however passive or subconscious.  The child of course “can not”, or more appropriately “will not” see this, but the healing for the child does not come in rejection, but in acceptance of the parent as a form of their own reflection.

 Back to the movie: In this film  Natalie Portman’s character’s  “black swan” is inevitably projected onto Mila Kunis’s character Lily.  Perhaps not so subtly “Lily” is a name derived from “Lilith” a complicated mythological Goddess/figure associated in many texts as “queen of the demons or underworld”.  She is also in Astrology; connected with the “Dark Moon”- the moon itself a symbol of the unconscious.

  In the movie Lily  is an aggressive, wild, sexually assertive and in touch with varying instruments that produce psychic barrier disruptions ( drugs).

2nd LESSON: The drugs, in this case “E” is important, because, beyond the realities of the dangers of the drug, it is a drug which, as many drugs do, rips through the psychic barrier of separateness that we as humans experience; producing a momentary undifferentiated high that it is easy to become addicted to. This high happens becomes a psychic barrier has been lifted.

Let me explain what I mean by “Undiffrentiated high”.. In Metaphysical Buddhist theory; we were once unable to see ourselves as spiritual entities who were “separate”. However, now, due to a number of phenom to deep to go into here, we conceptually see ourselves as separate and behave as so. Yet in order to achieve “enlightenment” (metaphysical terms) or “liberation” (social justice terms) we must be able to see ourselves as connected; as one. That one-ness is articulated through social justice via our shared social plight; that one-ness is articulated though metaphysics as the reality that we are apart of the same spiritual body.  That same “one-ness”  or feeling of being “undiffrentiated” is also created by many drugs.

Many become addicted to not the drug itself;but to the the experience of psychic undiffrentation. However the danger in these drugs is that they tear back the psychic veil violently. It’s like someone ripping back your skin. The long-term effects on the aura can be devastating, particularly in repeated use. It is important to note that humans seek undifferentiated inducing experiences in many ways; sex; communication; religion etc. “E” and many drugs are simply another medium that, like all of the listed above, has it’s own unique set of challenges and consequences. This is important because Nina’s character is seeking Separateness through “purity” and “perfection” ..even the absence of food….

So Lily is the black swan for Nina ; and towards the end we see a confrontation take place. One is sexual; Nina’s psychic projection of her own black swan ( Lily) attempts to have sex with her. Sex is among many others things a spiritual impulse to return to or  integrate characteristics that another entity posses’ into our waking conscious selves. It is an attempt at her own “black swan” or shadow to become consciously integrated into the ego/self.

EXAMPLE: Sex is used like this in several ways. Especially with specific groups of people who have been dramatically and systematically “othered” from  each other. Heterosexual men and women being a great example. To him,  she is a psychological projection of several traits; emotionality; softness; and the social construction of “femininity”. He cannot see himself through these things.For instance; I have asked many  heterosexual men who have thrown chairs, beaten people  etc if they think they are “emotional and they often say “Of course not. I just have anger issues” ( Because anger is not after all, an emotion; and if it was then i would be acting EMOTIONAL which would be like a woman. He cannot see himself as “emotional” because gender socialization has taught him that as a male embodied individual he does not possess emotionality.)  But all hetero men and beings, possess on some level these so called “feminine” traits, and men who have been taught to not consciously see these things in themselves will often project the characteristics he posses onto her. And of course, if she represents psychologically  a projection of his own femininity; he will do to her what he has been taught to do with  those traits of “femininity” within himself; he will control, repress, abuse, belittle and subjugate it. He will control, repress and subjugate her. This dynamic drama is apart of the sexual psychic tension.  He is being called to integrate his projection into himself and vice versa. 

Monogamy is our culture’s answer to this; instead of integrating/embracing/awakening that persons characteristics into me, i will posses them through a relational structure which gives me constant access to them psychically.  Welcome to The Metaphysics Of Patriarchy 101. Of course, this is a very over-simplified example, however, it works for what were trying to illuminate here. But Let’s continue…

The sex  is not enough for the integration to happen, however, and so we see the final confrontation come to blows; Nina “kills” Lily by flinging her into a “mirror” (which represents reflection) and stabbing her in the stomach ( metaphysically an area associated with power and energy) killing her.

Later on, however, we find out that Lily; the real person is not dead. In a moment of psychic delusion, Nina’s projection of her own dark swan acting as Lily became so powerful; so intense; that it was able to disrupt her understanding  of reality and cause her to stab herself ; an action which liberates her to become the black swan.

After this she goes on stage and does an amazing performance of the black swan, a part that before that; she could not perform.  Now she can, Because Nina has managed to kill/ sacrifice the white swan in herself. She has managed to “die”, or more appropriately the part of her that is the white swan has been able to die; to be sacrificed; in the name of her power.   Death in itself is not an ending; but a radical transformation; and energy cannot be created or destroyed; it can only be transformed. Nina is thus transformed into the black swan. And the black swan represents a form of erotic and unconscious power that she now has access to by killing the white swan; who represents validation through others; and power through being liked.

So I know that’s alot to take in. But let’s summarize.

The message here:

The white swan must die. To come into our power, our true power; we must often rebuke the need for external validation or perfection. We must integrate into ourselves the fearless Lilith or Lily; claiming all projections of “others” as we ourselves; including those who we say are our “haters” because those people are often only saying out loud what we say in our heads already.

The process for this need not be as dramatic as what we have seen in this movie; but however, it is necessary if we desire to continuously expand our auras and our capacity for expression and invention.We are each other, and you are those who you hate. To find yourself, and dare I even say it; to find “God” or the divine source; look to those who you despise. Once you can see their face as your mirror; you will find “God” smiling back at you. Once you can claim that the traits they are exist in you; you will find a liberation.

As your mirror, always

Yolo

www.YoloAkili.com

(Photo source: TMZ)

Hours ago, twitter was abuzz with the heated exchange between Chris Brown and former B2k singer Raz B. The tirade began when Raz B tweeted:

“Im just sittin here Thinking how can n**gas like [Eric Benet] and [Chris Brown] disrespect women as Intelligent as Halle Berry, Rihanna.”

In Seconds, Chris brown retorted with: “Nigga you want attention! Grow up nigga!!! Dick in da booty ass lil boy.”

The exchange continued with Raz B questioning Chris Brown’s sexuality, suggesting Chris was on the “Down low” and Chris calling Raz B a “Homothug” and with….well the typical predictable banter that one could expect from an exchange between two black men around sexuality and masculinity. (We see it everyday). 

This in of itself is not surprising, or new.

What is equally not too surprising, though perpetually troubling; is the collective twitter response to the exchange. Many Tweeters lashed out at Raz B, accusing him of starting the argument and provoking Chris. Childhood banter of “He started it” and the typical homophobic banter of “Dick in the booty boi”  filled the twitter time line.

Others went for Chris; calling him out on his choice of rebuttals to Raz B, using words like “Buttplugged” to describe Raz’s molestation, and mocking him with “aww your butt hurt”.

As with all things, I believe that pop culture offers us an opportunity to see ourselves reflected in those who we enshrine as “celebrities”. And so it is my intention to take this moment, via this exchange between Raz B and Chris Brown, to share and illuminate some of my thoughts about the place where violence, sexual trauma, homophobia and fame intersect.

So. Let’s begin with Raz B.

 Ever since Raz B announced that he was allegedly molested by Chris Stokes and forced to engage in sexual acts with members of B2K, his presence in urban music has been one faced with ridicule and homophobia. Raz has created several You Tube videos speaking with fans and recording conversations with various individuals involved in the alleged molestation.

The videos are complex; on one hand we can see Raz B truly struggling with his (alleged) sexual trauma; as well as some (possible) mental health challenges that such a situation could incur. On the other hand the recording of the videos and antics within them suggest that in some way, Raz B may also be, from his place of pain, using this video medium and his fame as a platform for attention. This dynamic is arguably what Chris is referring to in his initial response to Raz B. However if Raz’s reflection on the abuse of Halle Berry and Rihanna was really an attempt to create drama is left open to the interpreter.

Let me be clear; I think Raz B is a young brotha who is having a hard time with alot going on his life. Unfortunately, as opposed to the community seeing this and offering support and accountability; the black media has instead barraged him with homophobic jokes, called him “crazy” ( instead of being compassionate about any real mental health concerns that may be at hand) and focused expressly often, if not solely on his dynamics that seem to be attention seeking.

Sadly, when the black community sees black men in pain and acting out, we still have not learned how to help them. And Raz B is a perfect example. Like, Chris, he too saw his mother abused, and is grappling with a myriad of other challenges. He is not unique in his attention seeking behaviors though; black men in hip hop and R & b often use their music as a platform to communicate to the world their isolation, loneliness, suicidal thoughts and desperation in what i perceive to be a somewhat “subconscious”“desire to receive help. But the black community, like the larger American culture; has become so accustomed to “Black Male Self Destruct Porn” that these trials are just business as usual, and perhaps most sadly to some; entertaining.

Chris Brown, who pleaded guilty to assaulting his former girlfriend and media superstar Rihanna, has had his career met with an equally complex mix of challenges. Chris is also a victim of domestic violence, having watched his own mother being beaten as a child. After pleading guilty to assaulting Rihanna, Chris and his PR camp came out with a video and several statements that attempted to “clean up” Chris’s increasingly demonized image; but  many felt those videos often fell short of Chris claiming full responsibility.

The media predictably went in two directions; Demonizing Chris as a “monster” or in celebrating Chris’s abuse of Rihanna by using playground politics of “She started it” and the typical sexist banter that “women are bitches” and are deserving reciprocals of violence.

Having worked with Men Stopping Violence, a social change organization dedicated to ending male violence against women for years now, I know that Chris Brown is not a monster; Even though he  has done horrible things. I’ve worked with thousands of men who have done what Chris has done and worse; and been able to see first hand that the men who act out violently against women are “everyday” men. They are my brothers,uncles and cousins. They are our bankers, officers,  teachers and often ourselves.

 (See my full article “We are All Chris Brown; The Difference Between Accountability & Casting Stones for more on this.)

In response to Chris’s angry tirade at Raz B many on twitter said: “I thought Chris went to counseling!” “Isn’t he “fixed?”,exposing the immature American understanding of both behavior change and trauma.  With an  “anger” issue no-one is ever “fixed”. In  “anger management counseling” men can be given tools with which to help them learn better self control and a how to relate in a healthy way to their emotional body, but it is always their choice as to whether to use those tools or not. And like any behavior change, it is not easy. Whether it’s changing your diet or quitting smoking we all should know that.

Holding all the above; when Raz B said what he said to Chris, Chris made a choice to react with anger and homophobia. The reality is that no-one can “make you feel anything” they can only awaken feelings that already exist within you. This does not mean individuals are not accountable to their actions. But what it does mean I believe is that When Raz B said what he said, it’s apparent that anger and frustration were awakened within Chris. In response to that feeling, he made a CHOICE to tweet back angry comments that mock and “comedify” gay sex as something to be ashamed of; a common tactic of homophobia.

The twitter world says he was “provoked”.  But provocation is a concept held and celebrated by powerless people who have not learned self control. It is a blaming tactic, designed to absolve the person who enacts violence of responsibility for thier choices. It is commonly seen in how Americans justify many of our actions:

“If you just wouldn’t do THIS, I wouldn’t do THAT.” or  ” If you would just act right I wouldn’t HIT you.” It sets us up to be reactionary puppets as opposed to responsible human beings. It makes it so we can take the mirror away from ourselves and blame the “other”. It makes the “other” responsible for our behavior.

Only a person who has no or little self control and does not understand inner power can say that someone can “provoke” them to speak, move or act in a way that they themselves do NOT want too. The reality is we make a CHOICE in how we respond.  People can do things that awaken feelings within us, but what we do in response to that feeling is OUR CHOICE. That choice may be ill informed; it may be immature; or it may even come “at lightning speed” when we “snap” but we still make that CHOICE.  I can tell you that even men who say they just “snapped” can often recant their choices clear as day as they were making them.

Chris tweets at one point “I am not Homophobic, he’s just disrespectful”.Perhaps Raz’s actions were disrespectful ( or more so, hurtful to Chris and awaken a wound that he is still struggling with)  but Raz’s actions are not a justification for Chris’s response nor his comments. And Chris saying things like “Butt plugged” help fuel a culture where gay people, young and old, are picked on for their sexual choices around anal sex(even though judging from the heterosexual porn market; heterosexual men are in love with and fascinated with anal sex much more then they dare publicly proclaim.).

Chris and Raz B are both young men who are struggling with fame, trauma, and embodying black masculinity. While each has arguably used their fame to either avoid accountability or exploit it; our culture and we ourselves have often helped them. We have also helped perpetuate a world where black men who are evidently in need of emotional support and a healthier masculinity are left empty handed, forced to fight out a palate of projections and recycle the destructive black male narrative while many of us look on in amusement and  almost always without accountability to ourselves.

Instead of sitting back and snacking on pop-corn; perhaps it would be useful for us to find ways to support Chris and Raz B in their own various challenges and growth. They are not monsters. They are our brothers. And like our brothers and  just like me and YOU, they have made poor choices from their pain. Chris will never understand how his statement impacts LGBTQ people, or be able to deal with his anger and heal, or understand the impact his actions had on Rihanna and the world community until we help him do so. Raz B will never be able to heal from his alleged molestation and wounds, drama attention seeking and pain unless we help him do so.  We are each other and We need each other. And until we realize that, It is unlikely that much of anything will ever change.

As your Mirror,

Yolo

www.YoloAkili.com

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